"For years, I had a single problem. From the moment I stepped out of the closet and admitted to myself that I was gay, I immediately began to feel insecure about not having a man in my life as a romantic partner. What began as simple adolescent insecurity developed into a complex as I grew into early adulthood. The older I got, the more deficient I felt for not having someone to love me. I was excelling academically in college, building a solid and successful career in politics, and establishing and developing very meaningful friendships. I had it all, or at least as much as anyone in their early twenties could expect to have. Yet, I felt as though my life was lacking in some way. No matter how good life was, this problem – this single problem – persisted.
I assumed that it would go away the minute I found someone to love me. All of my insecurities about my life, my looks, and my place in the world would be fixed the moment “prince charming” came in and swept me off my feet. Like so many young girls find themselves doing, I was waiting on the fairytale narrative to give my life meaning (as if a life without love was also one devoid of this alleged “meaning”). Never mind that I enjoyed my college classes and soaked up all the new theories and concepts I was learning. Never mind that I loved my job managing and directing a local grassroots political party. Never mind the very deep and connected friendships I had built over the years. Never mind the fact that I actually liked living by myself, alone, in my own eclectically decorated and perfectly organized apartment. I was convinced that all these elements that made up my version of the “good life” were insignificant and meaningless. Under the ever-anticipated glow of love, I expected all my insecurities would just melt away..."
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you never want to admit to yourself that your lonely. well, at least not to other people. you want to have a sense of strength that you dont need a damn man to make you happy, but in actuality it wouldn't hurt to feel his hands touch your skin. sending nerves all over your body crazy into its own little orgasms (non-sexually). you want to turn in he middle of the night and find your man's bare chest moving up and down rhythmically with his breathing moving you as well as you place your hand on him. im strong. i can proudly say that i am strong. BUT, i yearn for more. i yearn for a sense of protection i have never had. when he hugs me i want it to feel like a thousand men are surrounding me from the world and nothing bad will ever happen. i know its not reality but a guy can still dream .... right?
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